죄짓고는...못산다는말..딱이네여

4년정도사귄남자친구..대학다닐때만나..호감가는형이..절대아니었는데...

정말착하고..잘해주는..칭구에게..맘이끌렸나봐여..좋다기보다..그냥너무잘해줘서..

그렇게..연인관계는..지속되고..해서는안될..관계를..가지게되었어여..

처음이..어렵지..나중에는..정말..하고싶지않은데..어쩔수없이..바보처럼..이끌리게..되더라구여

싫다고..왜딱잘라..말을못했는지..그칭구도..첫경험이었기에..절지켜..주려고..서로..결혼까지..

생각했어여..어린나이지만요..그렇게..지내던..어느날..느낌이..이상해서..테스트를..해보니..

임신이라네여..제나이21.그친구22......그친구누나에게..말해서..그다음날바로..수술하고..

그렇게..고귀한..생명을..한순간에..하늘나라로..보내버렸네여..

그후로..우린..정말..정말..큰다짐을했져..결혼해서..못다한..사랑..두번째아이에게..잘해주고..

첫째아이에게..용서받을순..없겠지만..용서를..구하자고...

그런후..그친구는..군대를..가고..전..졸업하고..회사원..

군대가기전부터..둘의사이가..삐그덕..거렸었나봐여..첨엔..저한테..잘맞춰주었던..그친구..

더이상은..힘들다며..헤어지자고..하루에도..수십번씩..헤어진적은없었는데여..

정말..아기한테는..미안하지만..그친구가..아니란.생각이수십번..수백번..들었어여..

시간이지나면..묻히기.마련..이란말처럼..하늘나라로간..아기한테..미안한맘이..없어진건..아닌데..

소홀해졌다고..해야할까요..군대2년있는동안에도..정말서로..너무많이힘들었어여..

군대가서..적응못해서..이부대.저부대..옮기는..그친구소식을..들을때면..물론힘든건..아는데..

남자라면..겪어야할건데....좀유별나단..생각을했으니깐여..의지도약하고..고생도..안해본애고..

그렇게..제대를하고..저희관계는..회복되지않고..악화만되었어여..그러던차..그친구..편입공부한다며

자연스레.연락도..줄어들고..서로헤어지자는..합의하에....그렇게..남남이되었어여..

오랫동안..만나왔던사람이라..쉽게잊을순..없었지만..크나큰..죄책감을안고..그래선..안되지만.

다른사람을..만나봐야겠다고생각했어여..정말..그래선..안되는데..

그러나..다른사람을..만나도..지난날의..과거때문에..상대방에게..너무미안했고.

새롭게..다가오는..새남자를..받아들일..용기..그럴자격도..없다생각이되었네여..

정말술이..웬수인가봐여..술잘못하는데..새로운남자와..술마시는데..지기싫어서..홀짝마셨더니..

해서는정말.해서는..안될일을하고말았어여..그후..그남자연락도없고..가볍게.생각한..사람아니었는데.

물론제가..잘못한거지만..역시..남자들은..다그런가봐여....그일이있은뒤..

아래부분이..너무간지러워참다참다..병원을갔어여..검사를..한뒤.일주일후에..결과가..성병의일종인.

000균이..나왔다는거네여..혼자산부인과.다니며..치료하면서...정말다신..남자..만나지도..

평생혼자살아야..겠다생각했어여..과거에..대한..죄값을..지금치루는구나..라고생각하면서말이져..

일주전쯤인가..예전남자친구에게서..전화가왔어여..잊어야하는데..제가안잊혀진다네여..

너무미안해서..말조차..할수가없었네여..이정도밖에..안되는여자이기에..........

편입시험끝나면..연락한대여..열심히..공부해서..저랑결혼해서..행복하게..살고싶다고..얘기해여..

가끔전화몇번오고..공부집중안될까바..연락일부로..안한다네여..그친구너무착하져..

너무착한아인데..저같은애..만나서..너무미안해여..

그친구에게..다시다가가기엔...제가너무지은죄가많고..하늘나라에있는..아기에게도..정말..

고개들지못할..엄마네여...............

시간을다시돌릴수있다면...정말뼈저리게..느끼네요....