In the Midst of a Fog...

Today's a Sunday and its 11:28 PM.. Lots of shit to do, yet I just

can't seem to focus right now.. In the past few weeks i've been

feelin confused, lost, down, dull, bored... haha it really is difficult to

explain this feeling i have right now.. hmmm... let's just say i'm alone

in the midst of a fog.. I cant see anything except for the fog that is

in front of me.

Nothing is clear. And i mean nothing. I try to pin point what the

problem is... is it just one of those mood swings? is it because

its senior year and i'm feelin anxious? is it because i am

disappointed and hurt by those who are close to me? the more i

try to isolate and locate the source of this feeling i have, the more

complicated and twisted it becomes..

I dont know what i'm supposed to do.. I just cant get a grip on how

to solve this.. and i hate that, cuz what i'm feeling right now is

not what i want to feel ever again in my life.. i tell my friends that

you must stay positive in problematic situations, in a situation of

a crisis.. I still believe in those words and that philosophy..

but right now i have no idea how to do that... everything's just a

blur.. I no longer have fun with the events and things i enjoy.

Everything seems so meaningless and just gray. Is this what

psycholgists term depression? gee i hope not...

I keep repeating and questioning inside my head... "What is

wrong with me? What's going on? What is this?" i really have no

clue... I feel as if i just dunno who i am anymore.. I am confused

between what I AM and what I AM SUPPOSED to be like..

I tell myself i have to move one from this feeling i have... I force

myself to be happy, to smile, to be active, and keep myself busy..

in some cases it works actually but only for a while until this

feeling comes up again.. am i being punished for the wrong things

i have done? if so.. what did i do wrong?

haha.. i really dunno what i am talking about... this might be some

phase.. and all i can do is to be patient, until the fog clears out..

or maybe wait for the time when some spontaneous event will

get me out of this fog... either the fog needs to pass or i have to

find a way out of it..

right now. I just dont want to think.. its just creating more fog in my mind... conicidentally, i was watching Desperate Housewives that i downloaded.. and there was a quote that caught my attention..

"the best is yet to come" it's when the character Bree explains to

her husband that she knows the "best is yet to come" in situations of chaos, desperation, depression, crisis... I know and i believe that

this will go away.. i dunno when but it will... cuz the "best is yet to

come" and i pray that it's soon.. i am gonna try to look at this period

as chance to grow and learn... who knows this could be the best

thing that happened to me... i'm waiting for an epiphany, some sort of enlightenment...

for now.. all i can do is to hold on, gather all the strength thart

remains and allow time to heal..