STUFF 1)

I go to a local Comp USA store. The round-way bus fare is $3.00 altogether. Taxi costs $16 one way. If I bought a laptop this time, it would be my second one. Last year, the maximum memory was $80. This year, the notebook hard-drive memory storage can go to 120 GB. Some of them has even 200GB. Ram-memory determines the computer's speed. My criteria in selecting a laptop includes 1) biggest hard-drive storage memory (120 GB or more this time), 2) the thinner, the better. Portability, small dimensions (width X height), lightness is important to me. I even prefer a palm pilot to laptops. and 3) CD and DVD burner, 4) affordable price. I can buy one that has 2GB Ram-memory and 120 GB hard-drive because of the most 2GB Ram-memory. Mostly, it's 1GB Ram-memory. The one that really attracts me is SONY's tiny laptop. It is so small that I really like it and disregard its relative small 80 GB hard-drive. It costs $2,000.00 This price is somehow rip-off because the labor day special costs $400 after rebate and discount and has 100 GB Hard-drive memory. I can't really tell laptops' actual three-dimensional sizes on catalogues (only Dell, HP and Gateway send me catalogues) or flyers because sometimes they indicate diagonal screen size, sometimes width.  To my surprise, there is no Gateway-Convertible notebook. So, I totally forget about its existence. I don't even ask a salesman if they have any in stock. But in the end, I return home empty-handed because I read a newspaper that says that by January next year, computers will change their operating system from the Windows XP to VISTA. Laptops have stickers that say "Vista Usable." But customers must spend about one hundred dollars to upgrade the computer next year. Maybe I can wait for another half a year. My wish list can not be realized this time.

STUFF 2)

FUNNY NOVEL....

Father Confer uses an anecdote of several wise and stupid virgins' getting ready for Jesus' coming in the Bible. When the virgins are not prepared by the time Jesus or their respective newly-wedded bridegroom arrives, Jesus will say "I don't know you." Even though they persist at knocking at the firmly-closed door, Jesus will not acknowledge them as rightful brides. I experience as such in my dream. The gist is that spirits can't fathom others' innermost minds. Even ghosts, specters or spirits can misunderstand and be misunderstood. Even for those immaterial beings, what they don't know does and will remain unknown. They will left in ignorance, even after their souls are deprived of bodies. Only those who constantly strive to get ready can seize the once-in-a-lifetime chance to meet long-awaited people. Those who aim at arriving at the Heaven and glory should do their utmost best and live morally. Hitherto, I thought those disembodied spirits can be omnipotent, omniscient. As Jesus is the Son of God, and the Holy Trinity is one being, Jesus descends to this earthly world in the form of a human being. We should get prepared and get ready to meet him. Be ready. Only when I know how to recognize who Jesus is, I can pinpoint at him and know his presence. For instance, more media exposure and thereby face recognition lead to the Police's catching Warren Jeff, polygomy criminal. Henceforth, I should invoke Jesus' face and read the Bible as much as I can so that I can learn who he is. Then, when He comes, I can just follow him. And when I know the person who seems very well versed in Jesus's teaching, I should follow him faithfully. Along the way, if there is a lost sheep or a person who wants to believe in Jesus as well, I can save that person too. I wish Father Confer could be there when I need him. It would please me immensely if Moira happened to be there too. She would then play a role of a foil character, contrasting with me. Father will believe that I am a more dutiful and faithful lamb of his shepherd. Surely, I am his sheep. In my dream, I also saw Father Holt, Father Confer is the one who leads me home. One month prior to my baptism day, God disallowed Father Holt to smoke so that he can sanctify and bless us with a clean body and soul. But even though he baptizes me as a friar and pastor, I follow Father Confer again because he seemed to claim me as one of his followers. By a word "claim," I mean that he ferments his leadership role in light of me for a long time. For instance, on our first baptism class, he sneaks in to see if I were there and then disappeared before I fully recognized him in turn. He also asked Father Holt to find the appropriate Bible for my use. On the baptism day, he publicly takes series of flash-on photos in a dark-lit church as if he were one of my family. And in the Bible study class, he announces and congratultates our baptism and the origin thereof. Since I am very forward and advance with intention, he keeps safe distances from me, but I don't doubt that he must be very proud of my spiritual growth. I believe he is a genuine shepherd. At least, I know that he really believes in Jesus and obeys God. In short, he is one of God's sincere servant. Today he is very busy. Around eleven thirty in the morning, he begins hearing others' confession. The line is long but his Mass begins. Brother hastens to start rosary prayer in Confer's stead.  Father Confer hurridly comes out of the confession kiosk and walks front to the altar. Soon, the bell rings to initiate the Mass begining. Everybody stands and greets him as he looms ahead. I like him most when he is admired by all. The relationship between him and I is that between a shepherd and a sheep. Even if I follow him until death do us part, our solemn and holy relationship and his priesthood status make me happy and fulfilled. Moira thaws icy pain and sorrow with her religious faith. I can imagine how difficult her life can be. I shall learn her coping with her difficult life by a means of love and religious faith. Bad priests, on the other hand, try to suck blood money by imposing religious dogmas upon the people.

2006.09.06 08:02.

I record what happened on the Saturday Mass. I fancy his eyes beam anger instantly. I leave a message on his answering machine at home. Father Confer returns my call and says explicitly that he is not mad at all. Esther takes photos of him without his permission. That triggers my worry and I imagine he should be angry when I receive Eucharist from him. He must be unaware of the fact that Esther took his photos. Today he says that "Jesus is merciful and magnanimous. Jesus forgives all when we regret and beg for forgiveness. Our anger is caused by devils' manipulating our emotions." Perhaps evils must observe our uncaught sins today and instill guilt and imagination of worries in us. For two days after that, I avoid his glance knowingly. I see he drinks glasses of wine too much, and penetrate his cold glance is nothing but artificially dissembled. But that may subside him a bit. As I admire him as a priest, I rely on him spiritually, I live on and carry on my life without fear.

My dream at night! It's pitch-darkness. I can't tell whose house it is. But even then, I seem to know the owner of the house. I go there to find somebody. In my dream, I enter the uninhibited and unoccupied house. I wait for Cho Sun-ho. Soon, he arrives at home. I instantly know the house belongs to him. As if he handed me a copy of his apartment key, he still gets surprised to find me there. But he neglects all and does not show his initial reaction to me as if nothing important had happened. For a moment, he seems to be stifled, dumbfounded. He looks at me blankly as if he were at a loss for words.  He embraces me for greeting. I am writhing to squirm out of his grasp and say "I have a crush on somebody else but you.". Taken aback, he asks who that person would be. His question remains unanswered. Then, I catch a glimpse of a car sliding through us. As I wonder who rides in that car, my eyes see part of the car-plate fixedly. The car speed is so fast that I am unable to see the car numbers without fragments. But I know to whom the car belongs.  After dusk, dawns shine through the window. I feel very tired. I take a shower and go outside. I check the parking lot first. There is only one blue car. The car confirms my guess. 
 

STUFF 3)

In his homily, a priest says "Grace is not a sort of talent, but self-will to resist temptation." I have so many things lacking in myself. My judgment capability may function passably. But really, I see very strange things in others as well as in myself. Why can I do without those recurring temptation? By temptation, I mean things that draw me and agitate me knowingly. Although I know those are not good and desirable, I nonetheless find myself wanting it, chasing after it, craving for it knowingly (knowing that I should not do.) So, I stop myself in the middle of doing that on the spot before it is too late, and before my judgment is so long ignored that I am deprived of common-sense judgment. The more fearufl I become, the more I want to obtain it. Some are not rightful, not lawful, not moral, not normal. So, I eventually obey my lucid icy judgment rather than my childish delirious hunger that cannot know how to wean. Perhaps as in Tolstoy's "Resurrection," when my self-will keeps failing, I can at least beg for divine help in my endeavor to resist temptation, including evil, undesirable thoughts and fancies. I'm so lone, so isolated, so insulated. Help my unbelief. Help my self-doubt. I know self-help is the best help, but everyday is just as much wasted time and squandered money. The depth of my sorrow is proportional to the degree and prolonged time of my mild disappointment.