why? why are you trying to be a perfector?

Is it because you want to excape from the craziness of your family?

why do you constrct an "all-good" idealized fantasy world, where no one let you down, no one criticize you. In there, you might able to be surrounded by affirming, empathic people who understand you without having to explain yourself. Your fantasy job could be fulfilling, exciting, meaningful and never drudgery. Your fantasy marriage would be to a perfect man with absolute love and caring for your every need-no warts.

i know it makes sense that how ur background brought you up here. yet your constant state of gracelessness, or your feelings of unlovableness and badness, made you hypersensitive. The hypersensitivity would then make you feel wounded and misunderstood if other people's statements aren't exactly mirroing your feelings.

Often, your denial is the only way to deal with these unpleasant aspects of your soul. Splitting off the feelings, thoughts, or memories from awareness helps ease the unloved feelings and shame that seem to be part of that aspect. However, the only problem is that denial doesn't work. Feelings that are buried are always buried alive.

You know what to do.

You have the answer inside you

Grace

that's what grace is about; not being afraid of imperfect things in yourslef or others, because of the relationship of grace to imperfection; there is always more grace than badness. If imperfection is a large landmass in your lives, grace is an ocean that that can swallow it up. Badness will never complete with grace. It's not in the same league.

Just confess your lacks to God and people. You can do it!!

and receive forgivenss. You can become a loving person only by putting yourself in a position of allowing someone else to accept and forgive your weakness. find a support group of forgiven people who understand living with imperfection. Then let go of the demand for the idea. Having ideals is good. It gives you goals to accomplish that help you grow. But when the goal becomes a demand, it is no longer a help, but a taskmaster relinquish your need for perfection. Accept "good enough" in yourself and others.

                                                                           -Grace-